


Secret Meat Secret

by therustykage



Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [2]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, BL2 Universe, Bonding, Bootie Call, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Friendships, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Male Zer0, Mental Instability, Rare Pairings, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Size Kink, the masks stay on... sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25694692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therustykage/pseuds/therustykage
Summary: Krieg wants to impress the assassin and does so in many more ways than one. Zer0 surprises him with a thoughtful gift. (Krieg's POV)
Relationships: Krieg & Zer0 (Borderlands), Krieg/Zer0 (Borderlands)
Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844674
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Secret Meat Secret

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second installment for the Psycho and Assassin series, where I hope to bring some smutty and fluffy fun to a super rare pairing that I feel... needs a bit more love.
> 
> Yes, my headcanon for Zer0 is male and I have my own theories about him that Krieg mulls over briefly in this fic. As I mentioned in my other story, I adore Krieg and Maya, and I have not ignored that in these fics, because I love them, too! 
> 
> Writing Krieg POV's is SO MUCH FUN! I hope I did him justice. Happy reading!

**xx**

**xx**

_'Chaos was the law of nature; Order was the dream of man.' – Henry Adams_

**xx**

**xx**

_"This is nice, making dinner almost like normal people do. We got this. Let's show him that we are not a complete lunatic... even if we act and talk like one the majority of the time. I need him to know how much his friendship means to us and that we are still capable of a few basics."_

"Gutted piñatas!"

_"Yeah. I still can't believe you and I actually agreed on something – first Maya and now Zer0. I'd call that progress. Say, do you think he likes garlic in his stew?"_

_That's right, at least we still know how to cook for ourselves because let's be real, just look at me, all muscle and skin and more skin and muscle – a giant lumbering oaf. We have a healthy appetite that nobody seems to talk about..._

"My pecs have pecs!"

 _"Yes, yes. I knooow, you're_ always _reminding us. We are seriously huge." I could not help but heave a heavy sigh. "I miss my hair…we had great hair once."_

"I'D RATHER SNORT A KNIFE INTO MY BRAIN!"

_"For wishing, we had a nice head of hair again… you're not even listening to me, are you? Grrr..."_

_Sometimes, I feel as though I'm attached to another person's body, like a pair of conjoined twins forced to live their entire existence together because there is no medical procedure capable of separating them. Those people slept together, ate together, watched television together, and took a crap together even if the other one did not have to crap at all!_

_Sounds like a real trip, huh? Well, you would be right – and I… wouldn't wish this kind of trip on my own worst enemy. Instead of having a whole other body attached to mine, my other half resides inside my head… a dual consciousness._

_One part raving psycho and one part good old me..._

_I won't lie, it is… exhausting._

_Ask me how I got this way, well… I wish I knew exactly how myself. There is a long story behind it I'm sure and I know Hyperion is behind my monstrous transformation. For now, all I have are these horrifying visions torturing me when I close my eyes, so yeah… resting the damaged thing that I have become proves difficult._

_It makes me so angry and thirsty for revenge and the psychotic side of me feeds off that with vainglorious relish. If I didn't have the power to control it we could keep killing until every inch of ground in Pandora is covered crimson._

_Who knows… maybe I'm stuck with this idiot for the rest of my life. Maybe over time we can heal, learn to live together in some kind of fucked up harmony like those conjoined twins. Maybe… one day, I will hear my real voice leave my lips instead of his._

"Flesh salad with a side of bone saw!"

_Not yet, I guess… that was just wishful thinking on my part._

_As maddening as it sounds, when the monster takes over, I feel at times that what he says has some truth behind it. Most of it is a nonsensical meaning, but sometimes his iambic ravings spark a feeling of déjà vu in me as if he remembers some of the things that happened to us where I cannot._

_You know what I mean… hrmph, probably not..._

_Krieg – it's a good name for us for the war is within me. It's what's coming for those that have wronged us. And, it's what's coming to anyone that tries to hurt any of my new vault hunter friends._

_Where did we get that name? I don't even know..._

_The psycho side loves to ignore me sometimes. Pretends he does not even hear me just so he can rejoice in his madness, kind of like that kid who doesn't want to leave the party. That's fine, as long as we continue to fight the good kind of fight. As long as we continue to kill only the deserving, I will keep us alive._

_And speaking of the good fight, it came to us with the same velocity of that train that nearly ran us over in the wastelands._

_It just kind of fell into my lap in the form of a beautiful siren warrior named Maya. At first glance, she stole my heart. My desire to act normal again never felt so strong. I wanted to keep living and keep fighting more than ever, for her. She recruited me into her group of vault hunters all trying to stop a villain who went by the moniker Handsome Jack._

_Hyperion scum…_

_I felt like there was hope for me through this siren. She did not treat me like the freak that I am. Most of the vault hunters she worked with did not treat me that way and…_

_It blew my mind in so many more ways than one. See what I just did there…? Heh._

"Nnnnngh! I'll drink your blood and spit it into your carved-out EYE SOCKETS!"

_"I've been ignoring you, huh? Thirsting for the kill again… Jeez, we just had a full fun day of all of that." Sigh."Can't I just enjoy a moment to reminisce in peace while we make dinner? Can't we have that?"_

*Unintelligible whiny grumbling noises*

_Where was I…? Oh, yeah… being around regular people has proven good for us – it gives us a purpose and a means of destroying Hyperion and all that it stands for. It means I might get to return to my normal self one day… I think. I hope. It's all I have..._

_Whatever…_

_At least now, I get to travel all over Pandora with some people as well trained as we are, or used to be. Still am. I mean… back when we were sane, back when we used to be a badass bounty hunter, sniffing out those fugitives for money._

_I really like this group of vault hunters that Maya introduced me to – Salvador, Axton, Gaige, and Zer0. We get to fight with the good people, even if I think that sometimes they are more insane than I am._

_Yeah, being called 'vault hunter' means the world to us._

_They let me live here in Sanctuary. Let me have my own room to stay in amid missions that occupy most of my time because vault hunters get treated a little bit better than regular Crimson Raider soldiers. They provide me with food and basic necessitates. Sometimes they even drag me to Moxxi's bar… it has fun music and even funnier people._

_The group… my friends… they all seem to enjoy it when we go, but I always decline alcoholic drinks because again let's be real… I can't afford to get any crazier! I don't see how pickling my liver could help me. I probably already have enough poisons running through me to inebriate the whole town!_

_I try my best to avoid the stuff unless an assignment requires it._

"YUMMY YUM-YUM!"

_"Right, the stew we are preparing smells good!" It cooked in a single pot over a portable gas stove that sat on a wooden crate in front of our window for ventilation. I gave it a taste with a long wooden spoon in my hand._

_It has all the best stuff in it like meat, because that is our specialty. Some starchy root vegetables I found while out on a mission. Some onions and garlic that I got from Gaige and tomatoes I got from a friendly line cook in Moxxi's kitchen that makes a lot of pizza. I also threw in a handful of wild greens that were supposed to have great cleansing properties, or so Maya has taught me._

_I laughed. Damn, I need all the cleansing a guy can get, right. For her, I will gladly eat all of my vegetables and ask for seconds!_

_"Hmm, it needs a bit more salt. Just put a pinch. But only a pinch, got it? I know how you like to over season everything we make."_

"Wounded meat brine for the vengeful FEAST!"

_"Not exactly, but close. As I said, we got this."_

_Okay, I have to focus here… a couple of gentle shakes from the saltshaker to start. Good. Now, just a few more shakes. Oh, very good! Then I saw red. Before I knew it, I was violently shaking the shit out of the saltshaker._

_"Enough!" I shouted struggling to override these impulses. "Put the salt shaker down. Put. It. Down..." I put it down… across the room and out the open window onto the street below!_

_A small thud met my ears._

_"Hey!" Someone from outside yelled up at me._

_Oops… there goes another saltshaker, idiot. Well, at least we didn't hurt the guy below and it kind of put a grin on my face, too, as I imagined the surprised look on the face of the person that almost got whacked by my salt shaker._

_Good thing it wasn't a grenade, huh? I laughed and he laughed too. We sounded like a maniac._

_Sigh. I can't help but think about Maya – I think about her all the time._

_That woman doesn't know it, but I would take a thousand bullets for her. She is the reason I am here, she is so patient with me and I love working with her, and she's such a badass. We are good friends, learning more about each other every day. I can tell that she only wants to be friends right now and I can respect that. I will give her all the time and space in the world to let her learn out about her siren heritage, let her figure out her purpose in this life._

_If it's important to her, it's important to me. For now, I will care for her and love her in silence. Besides, I'm not exactly boyfriend material. I need to get my shit together._

_Lately, however, I have come to realize that if love were a logical emotion then it wouldn't be love anymore, right?_

_Because I knew, I would take a thousand bullets for Zer0, too. He has become one of my closest friends – there are sides of me I share with him that I could never share with Maya. Yet, what we have is not the same thing I have for Maya. He knows and accepts my feelings for the siren but shares his friendship with me anyways. There is no judgment. There are no expectations for commitment and I don't have to be boyfriend material. We're just two guys who like and respect each other – and we like to fuck on the side, a lot._

_I want to hate it, but… I would be lying to myself. Zer0 makes me feel human again even if it's just for a little while. When we're together, I loathe myself just a bit less._

_He's the first person I ever had a romantic friendship with before… I think. I scoffed, not that I remember much of my past anyways. I remember bits and pieces… I remember the things that hurt the most._

_Argh! I balled my fists until my knuckles cracked, nearly breaking the wooden spoon in my hand into two pieces. No! I pushed those thoughts aside… I can't… I just can't. I cannot dwell on that time in my life anymore._

_"SHE CAN'T RIDE ON THIS PUSS-FILLED HATE ESCALATOR!"_

_Yeah… right._

_Zer0 has made it clear to me that if anything ever changed between Maya and myself, he would back off without any hard feelings. And that we would always remain friends, no matter what._

_Nnngh! I'm so undeserving of all this, but at the same time... I want it all so bad I can taste it!_

_"I'm telling you we impressed the assassin with that rifle stunt… we really should show him how skilled we are using that rifle, too," I said urging myself to move away from those darker thoughts. "Who knew it would lead to something like this?"_

_Drool was dripping from my chin and onto my bare chest._

_"Oh, come on!" I cried. "We just had a shower and smell like a daisy for once instead of blood, petrol and bug guts. Don't ruin it now."_

_Yeah, setting one's self on fire was smelly business, but it was so much fun!_

_I wiped my chin with the back of my hand, grumbling. I was so wrapped up in my head that I did not even realize I was salivating like a loon thinking about my love life. Heh, my love life… crazy, right? Well, it's better than thinking about death and my hairless head, I guess._

_I like how Zer0 has awoken the sexual beast inside of me...it's something I haven't experienced in a very long time, wasn't even sure I could still satisfy another person that way._

_We cannot get enough of him._

_Zer0 is so open and daring. He fears nothing. It doesn't matter to me that we were guys… the sex is fun. He always listens to us while we spew total nonsense at him in my horrible attempts to communicate, or when he abruptly screams out insane things, which I hate so much! The compulsion to bash my head in hits me hard sometimes. It's so frustrating. When the psycho takes over, I do it sometimes – the pain hurts so good..._

_I wish I could tell him what I'm truly thinking or how I feel and talk to him like a normal guy. He does a great job trying to get me but it is easier to show him through my actions. He's such a clever badass ninja monkey._

_And a really cool being…_

_I say 'being' because I'm not even sure if Zer0's completely human, although his body appears to operate normally. He eats, drinks, bleeds, and cums like a human – but I really could give two shits about that. Between you and me, I think he has a little of something else in him – the result of a fourth-generation hanging from his family tree or something. I cannot put my finger on it. I find him fascinating – he has given me his trust even if I have never seen his face or much of his body. All I know is that he has a freakishly long dick and the cutest ass this side of the cosmos._

_I don't care if he had purple skin covered with pink dots and three sets of eyes or seven fingers… I'm a goddamn mutant. Nevertheless, I do know one thing, whatever secrets he shares with me, I will keep until the last breath leaves my corpse._

_All or nothing… right?_

_But, I'm still curious. I want to know more about him. I have to wonder what he'd think of me if he saw my face. The idea terrifies me. I gazed over at my psycho mask sitting on the corner of the bed where I left it before my shower. It's such a dreadful-looking thing, but it's my security blanket, so to speak. I feel safe when I wear it and it filters Pandora's nasty air… I can breathe better for so many reasons that have nothing to do with my lungs._

_One-half of the whole – It hides the truth from myself._

_Until I gain control again, that mask is what I deserve. It also keeps my damaged right eye completely hidden, because I dread that people will see me as more of a monster than I already am, and they would see that fear._

_My fear. My pain. My losses. The disgrace._

_For him… it hides the little man - me._

_Sometimes, I almost forget that I'm a massive freak around the assassin. He says my imperfections are beautiful in those silly haiku of his. I know he's sincere, I feel it in my gut; because he does not seem like the kind of guy to do something he doesn't want to do. I never met anyone like him. Zer0 is a lot of fun and he loves the thrill of the hunt and killing bad people as much as we do!_

_After I treat him to the meal I've made – which I've never done before, so I hope he likes it – we have a date involving a lot of bathing in the meat chunks, I thought with an amused scoff. Yeah, I enjoy going on side adventures with him. They often involve getting our rocks off too, which is the berry on top._

"KILLING SPREE BLACK FRIDAY!"

_"What are you talking about?" I questioned us. "What? Is it Friday today? What is 'Black Friday'? Are there even Friday's on this damn planet?"_

_Of course, the Meat Man doesn't answer me because it is total nonsense!_

*********

"I have a secret meat secret!" Krieg raved to the four walls in his room, clicking off the gas on the small portable stove, ignoring his internal voice.

The meal was ready.

 _"You mean WE have a secret."_ His inner voice reminded him, deep and velvet, like one of those hard-knock private investigator types from some gritty crime drama. _"And it better stay that way unless you want to insult him. Like Maya – Zer0 is helping us out, too. And, I hate to say it, but we need all the help we can get."_

"I’M NOT SMART!"

The voice corrected. _"You mean 'stupid'."_

Krieg growled low in his throat. "Careful, little man…"

There was a heavy sigh in the recesses of his mind. _"Dude, I was trying to correct you. You used 'smart' when you should have used 'stupid'. We're not stupid."_

Krieg just grumbled and whacked himself in the head with the wooden spoon he still held in his hand. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

He was not very good with words while speaking them, but he knew what he was trying to say, dammit! There was nothing worse than when the voice nattered on like a mother hen, and he was _always_ nattering.

Krieg doesn't want to upset the neighbours close by with his spontaneous rantings and the occasional smashing of something, which is why he keeps a mostly barren living space, but no one has bothered him about it yet. So, either they are afraid to confront him or they're just used to strange folk living in Sanctuary.

And there were plenty of weird ones around here you can be sure of that, but he was the only psycho living in town. He knew it put some people on edge since every inch of Pandora was swarming with full-blown psychos… all of them trying to murder you the moment they see you, screaming about eating babies and flossing their teeth with your face.

It felt weird sometimes.

Still, Krieg was grateful to have his own room. He didn't want to lose it because it was a lot nicer than some of the shitholes he's dwelled in – this was a palace in comparison – even if it has that neglected worn-out look predominate throughout the town.

That pretty much described most of Pandora, to be honest.

At least he has a bed to lie in, a bathroom with a shower, and a single-window overlooking three floors up from the street. He was high up enough to see over some of the dark rooftops and across the serene blue vista beyond.

Right now, dusk was descending upon the city.

Sometimes it was nice to gaze out the window and people-watch as they went about their daily Sanctuary business, day or night. It always got awkward quickly, though, because he would shout out crazy stuff and everyone would start to stare back.

He did not like the feeling of their staring. Prickly heat always sprung upon his back and his face burned under his mask.

But, thanks to all of his new friends, he was getting better at biting his tongue and staying quiet for longer amounts of time – when they weren't killing bandits, of course. He did not want to upset them even if he knew they could handle it, they were a tough group. It wasn't about that. It was just… he still had some pride left even if it existed as fragile as a tall, swaying blade of grass.

He was mildly startled when someone knocked on his door using Morse code: **\--.. . .-. ---**

The cipher spelled out 'Zer0'.

He grinned. It was something nerdy the assassin showed him a few weeks ago for shits and giggles. Krieg had a code too for when he goes to visit Zer0 at his place. He messed it up most of the time and it kinda jumbled his brain, but Zer0 thought it was cool so he gave it his best shot.

"Err… you gonna let me in?" Zer0 wondered from the other side of the door.

 _"Oh, shit!"_ His inner voice exploded inside his head. _"We can't let him see us like this!"_

Krieg grabbed the psycho mask off the bed and smacked it onto his face, strapping it securely to his head. Besides the mask and his usual orange-coloured pants and the pair of leather necklaces strung around his neck, his body was free of his double-shouldered gun harness and heavy arm coverings. He wasn't even wearing his boots – he was wiggly-toed barefoot.

He wasn't going to battle just yet, so what was the point?

Krieg took a deep breath and opened the door.

There stood Zer0, all mystery and intrigue in his tight-fitting black and grey armour-plated suit and an elongated black helmet with its shiny blacked-out visor that made Krieg think, he'd fit in well with a gang of space bikers or something.

A **< 3** lit up in front of Zer0's visor, a red digital heart emoticon all for him. He grunted in the most pleasant way he could and grinned beneath the psycho mask, which made his left eye crinkle with a warm reception.

"Have you been cooking? / Something smells very tasty. / Hope it's edible?" The assassin questioned warily while taking a few steps inside Krieg's room, looking around until he spotted a pot sitting on the stove.

Yeah. Krieg could not blame the guy for being a bit skeptical of something _he_ cooked. Didn't seem like the kind of thing insane people are capable of doing. However, it seemed cooking was something that came kind of natural to him, whether he was good at it in his former life, he did not know.

Krieg assured Zer0 as best he could as he closed the door behind him. "Prettiest meat soup for the blue-knifed killer…" he said in a low gravelly voice.

"The Blue-Knifed Killer – / wow, flattery like that is / the way to my soul," Zer0 replied vivaciously and chuckled. He waved off the next haiku and said, "Oh, I found this outside on the street in line with your window. Something tells me it's yours."

The assassin held up a small glass saltshaker with a stainless steel cap, still intact.

"MINE!" Krieg roared and snatched the saltshaker out of Zer0's gloved fingers. _For the love of everything, say 'thank you'._ Instead, it came out like, "I wanna dance on your grave after I drown you in BLOOD!"

"Vivid imagery," Zer0 answered completely unfazed. "You're welcome."

Krieg could _feel_ eyes roaming all over him. The assassin's helmeted head moved subtly. Zer0 was checking him out. Like a furnace, his skin instantly burned and heat crept over his cheeks like a pair of warm hands. It didn't matter how many times they fooled around together, he felt the same bashfulness every time Zer0 did that.

Not being able to see his friend's facial expressions made it a hundred times more potent. Sure, his emoji's were useful but Zer0 enjoyed being a smartass, so… it could mean a bunch of different things.

However, Krieg held his ground. He could be stubborn, too. He would not give in to this shyness while Zer0 was in the room. Instead, he stared right back into the void of the assassin's helmet – saw his own reflection, which made him sneer.

Krieg avoided mirrors, too, as much as possible.

Zer0 tilted his head a little to the side. "You smell like the soap /Axton gave you… vanilla... / I could eat you up," he professed while he worked off both pairs of gloves and dropped them to the floor like yesterday's gun collection. Next, he set his equipment on the floor with a bit more grace than the gloves and said while switching off his ECHO device, "I won't be requiring any of that yet by the looks of it."

Krieg's throat undulated as he swallowed audibly and studied his houseguest.

Reaching out, Zer0 smoothed his bare hands up along Krieg's forearms rarely free of armaments, rippling with corded veins. His hands squeezed and sampled rock hard biceps.

"You could crush a person's head with these if you flexed… how delightful," the assassin admired. "Did I ever tell you the story about the guy's head I removed with a crab fork?"

Krieg's eye lit up. "Mocking bar-fly with screaming teeth!" It was a great story.

"Yes, that's the one," Zer0 replied and pinched one of his nipples, just right.

Mmm! Those hands felt good and his self-consciousness started to melt away. The assassin was on full-throttle tonight and it made Krieg purr like a sleeping dragon. He simply let Zer0 have his way watching those three-fingered hands meander down from his shoulders over his pectorals and along his shredded abdomen. The faceless assassin boldly reached around, grabbed his ass, and sighed in such a seductive kind of way that it made his cock twitch. It was hot.

"Speaking of skulls, you / don't appear prepared to go… / bust some bandit's heads." Zer0 noted about Krieg's lack of equipment on his body. He let go of his rear and took a step back, stealing a look down at his bare feet, before gazing back up at his masked face. "Shall we indulge in / dessert before dinner – then / go bust up some heads?"

All it took was Zer0's provocative suggestion, and Krieg's breath shuttered as he inhaled. By the time he exhaled, he had the assassin hoisted over his shoulder like his trusty buzzaxe striding towards his unkempt bed, where he threw his tall, lanky prize down on top of it lengthwise.

Awkwardly bouncing a little on the mattress, Zer0 gasped.

Krieg thought he heard a faint giggle coming from the sneaky ninja monkey, which was confirmed when Zer0 flashed him **LOL**

"PREPARE FOR A MEAT POUNDING!" It was not just a rant. It was a promise!

Krieg's manic laughter turned lewd and boisterous.

"He-he… badass incoming," Zer0 teased with bedevilment, he sounded excited and breathless. Lifting his hips off the bed, he wasted no time unbuckling his belt and unfastening his pants. He urged, "Don't be gentle."

With a heated growl, Krieg reached down to assist, yanking Zer0's dark-grey pants and undergarments down mid-thigh, feasting on his naked flesh with a single eye for an appreciative moment. He grumbled with approval and rubbed a palm across the prettiest cock he ever saw surrounded by a bush of dark hair. Krieg wrapped his thick fingers around the shaft, enjoying how smooth and hot the skin felt in his big hand.

More than anything he wanted to wash his tongue over it – shove it down his throat until it brought tears to his eyes. He wanted to know what the assassin's skin tasted like. And more than anything else, he wanted to see Zer0 squirm as he did those things.

A conflicted whine struggled its way out of Krieg's throat.

"Oh, yeah! Do it," the assassin urged while propped up on his elbows watching him. "I know you want to / I won't even look, big guy / cross my heart and hope to – _dammit!_ " Zer0 teased and scoffed. "Look what you made me do?"

Krieg half-smiled under his mask, he wasn't sure if Zer0 was messing up his haiku to lighten the mood. But, the assassin did lay back and directed his gaze up at the dirty ceiling, waiting. Waiting for him to make up his damn idiotic mind – Krieg trusted Zer0, but the internal struggle he battled with was too much to bear so suddenly.

"NNnnnngh! WE CAN'T!" Krieg bawled.

Zer0's helmeted head shot back up to look at him. He flashed Krieg a red question mark projected in front of his helmet. " _We…?_ "

Stricken, Krieg spiralled in his staggering revelation. _Holy shit! Did you just… That is a win if I do say so myself. We are on fire tonight, Meat Man!_ With a soft shake of his head, Krieg looked over and saw that Zer0 was still watching him tentatively.

Most of the time Krieg desired to permanently silence the little man, shut him up forever, but when it came to people like Maya and Zer0, he couldn't. The little man wanted exactly what he wanted. They both thirsted for the same thing.

_Tell him._

"MEAT MAN!" Krieg jabbed a thumb into this chest, then he pointed at his head and growled more menacingly, "Little man…"

It did not take long for the clever assassin to figure it out. "Dual identities / a most harrowing struggle – / it's cool. Now… let's fuck." Zer0 did not mince his words this time.

 _See. He's not making a big deal out of it. Don't forget, he hides behind a mask, too._ The inner voice reminded.

"Perhaps, I'll have to / give you a hot blowjob first / until then, don't fret," the assassin reassured. "We'll get there eventually – or not. No biggie."

Now the voice began to protest and Krieg was paying attention. _Stop being such a buzzkill, idiot. Look at this guy… he is waiting for us to fuck him senseless – get in there!_

With a manic growl, Krieg descended on the assassin, urging him to turn around onto his stomach with force. Zer0 seemed to find it amusing, as he lay there sprawled out and face down on the single spring form mattress like a ragdoll, arms spread out on either side of him – but not for long. Krieg grabbed him by the hips and lifted them until Zer0 was forced onto his fours, bare-assed and ready for a good dickin'.

"Lubrication, Krieg, / is the key to our pleasure / where did you put it?" Zer0 peered around the living space. "I left it in the bathroom last time I was here. I hope you didn't throw _that_ out the window."

 _Pfft! What a tease._ Krieg scoffed. _No, we didn't throw that out the window I'm damn sure._

"Don't move…" Krieg encouraged in a surprisingly quiet manner. He wandered over to the other side of the room.

"So, are you going / to slap me on the ass and / fuck me from behind?" the assassin quipped, while he waited for Krieg to return.

Krieg tossed Zer0 the most incredulous look he could muster from his left eye. _Wow._

The assassin stuck his tongue out at him emoji-style **:P**

"THIS TRAIN IS LEAVING!" Krieg could not find the lube fast enough!

He squatted before a backpack he kept full of guns and ammunition, grenades, and a couple of nifty shields and mods. There, nestled among all his killing toys, at the very bottom, was a little white squeeze bottle of lube designed for a more personal type of gun.

He snatched it up and returned to the foot of the bed, dragging Zer0 closer to the edge so his booted feet rest on either side of his knees. Then he gave the pale bare ass in front of him a few succinct smacks with his hand knowing Zer0 was waiting for it.

The assassin just twittered and went, "Oh, ouch."

 _Yeah, I'm gonna fuck your ass and smack it as hard as you like, you sexy bitch!_ The little man inside his mind was holding nothing back and Krieg bellowed in kind, "Time for a skewering party, pretty boy!"

_HA! Close enough!_

"I'd love to know what / you're truly dying to say…" Zer0 began his claim, looking over his shoulder watching Krieg as he cracked open the lube bottle. "I bet it's raunchy."

"A MILLION DEAD YESES!"

"Well, well..."

This was not the first time they fucked, so Krieg was prepared to prepare Zer0 before shoving his massive cock into him. Krieg loosened his belt, unzipped his pants, and lowered them and his undergarments down until they dropped around his ankles. His weighty cock sprung out before him, hungry and eager. He bathed his dick in lubrication and over Zer0's entrance, before slipping a thick index finger through a tight ring of muscle slowly up to the knuckle.

A deep moan permeated from Zer0's helmet.

Krieg worked that finger, loosening Zer0 up so his dick would glide right in. When Zer0 reached beneath his belly to fondle himself, Krieg increased it to two fingers and revelled in the breathy groans of sweet torment that, once more, came from the cheeky assassin's throat. It didn't take long to feel how relaxed Zer0 was for him, that's how much he wanted it, that's how much he trusted him – for Krieg it was an enormous compliment.

His cock was so achingly stiff that he was close to seeing red, close to losing himself in the awakening. Krieg slipped his fingers out and grabbed his meaty cock like he was going to kill someone with it, but he only smacked Zer0's ass with it playfully. Slapping skin against skin, Krieg enjoyed how the assassin's tush quivered a little with every solid thump.

When he was finished fooling around, he smeared the swollen tip of his erection between Zer0's slippery cheeks and pushed himself in – _all_ the way in.

Zer0 mewled out so sweetly.

 _Oh, yes!_ The inner voice declared. _Make him do that again, he loves it when we're rough._ In full cooperation, Krieg slid his cock nearly all the way out… then, slammed it back in!

More whimpered mewls pealed out of the skinny assassin. He was clutching the sheets and rumpled blankets in a knuckled death grip, much to Krieg's growling delight.

 _"Yesss…"_ Zer0 hissed. "Such sweet torture..."

Dangerous laughter resounded from behind Krieg's psycho mask. He grasped Zer0 by his tiny waist and just lost it on him, full-length thrusts pummelled into the assassin like a jackhammer. Hot, wet, and squelching.

Even when the assassin whimpered and cried out it sounded beautiful to Krieg.

Every blow rocked Zer0 forward violently. The front half of his body collapsed to the bed, arms above his helmet with fingers grasping, leaving only his ass up in the air. Krieg rumbled heatedly at the sight as he fucked the haiku-spewing murder machine into the worn mattress beneath him.

Swirls of red washed over Krieg's vision now. "STABBITY STAB STAB!" he taunted watching his cock sliding in and out of that dewy tight hole. "FEEL MY PAIN!

Erratic **< 3** hearts and triple exclamations **!!!** flashed in front of Zer0's visor. He was enjoying it. His groaning and wavering sighs, his panting, and deep grunts were so sensual it drove Krieg to fuck him even harder.

Such euphoric sensations coursed throughout Krieg's body – his mind was so empty, so perfectly empty. All that mattered right now was how good this felt, how beautiful Zer0 looked right now, how deliciously tight his ass was, and how sexy the assassin sounded while he pounded it.

Krieg's narrow hips smacked against Zer0's backside so hard it was like someone was standing in the room clapping – cheering them on.

And it was about to reach a standing ovation.

Krieg heard that tense telltale whine caught in Zer0's throat – the ninja monkey was going to come soon. He pulled out and helped reposition the assassin on to his back so that he could hold his legs up and get a bird's eye view of the action. Krieg placed Zer0's booted feet on the left side of his chest and shoulder and wrapped his arms around the assassin's legs, holding him steady.

Next time, they needed to discuss the idea of completely removing Zer0's pants, because this was not what Krieg was envisioning right now. Fuck him and his mystery. What he really wanted to do was spread Zer0's legs, move in a lot closer, and take the assassin into his arms while he fucked the living daylights out of him. He wanted to feel that intimacy they have not yet experienced in a position like that.

But these damn pants were in the way! Grr...

Without using his hands, Krieg smashed his cock back into that gaping hotness and ruined Zer0 with a heavy pounding. Fast. Hard. And oh-so deep. He was panting and grunting with every stroke. Next to his head, the assassin's boots knocked and leather creaked, but Krieg held on, hips surging like a piston.

Zer0 was grasping his helmet with both hands, lost in sweet, sweet pleasure.

There was nothing hotter than watching the assassin cum all over himself so Krieg clamoured at him, "Spank it! Touch it! _DO_ _IT!_ " He would have been happy to do it for him but he was busy holding up an armful of skinny legs.

Zer0 readily complied, eager to give Krieg the show he wanted. He lowered his hands from his helmet, taking hold of his lengthy cock with his left hand and started to stroke himself vigorously. The assassin moaned softly pressing his head back into the mattress as he did so.

Krieg slowed down a bit, allowing them both to feel every stroking glide of skin and leg-shaking friction between their joined bodies. He watched from behind the legs he held, savouring the chokehold Zer0 had on his dick as he stroked himself. Zer0's chest began to rise and fall faster with heady breaths. Oh, yes. Here it comes.

The assassin shattered in a cacophony of strangled moans, pumping out his orgasm. It was magnificent as hot seed spilled from him, splashing across his plated chest, a shot reaching as far as the red '0' painted on the upper left side of his chest.

"Bullseye…!" Krieg praised and quickened his pace again before Zer0 could completely come down from his climax. Thrusting until he was gasping for air behind his psycho mask, thrusting until he could not hold back any longer. He gave into a knot of pure unadulterated madness that burst into flame inside of him and out.

He unloaded into Zer0, growling and rasping out his climax, his body quaking and shuddering.

They both panted for a few glorious moments.

When the red vision cleared and Krieg saw straight again – feeling oddly glib all of the sudden – he blinked as Zer0 flashed him a different sort of emoji at him **> _<**

"What did I tell you / about cumming inside me… / it's very messy," Zer0 prattled and sighed.

 _Oops… we got carried away._ Krieg wasn't sorry.

"Your crying swallowed me WHOLE!" Krieg told him and slipped himself out of Zer0 with an evil chortle. Indeed, messy aftermath followed his exit and he let go of Zer0's legs and pulled up his pants, leaving the belt unbuckled.

Krieg went to the bathroom and snatched up an ugly brown towel off the rack. He returned to Zer0 who was now sitting at the foot of his bed with his pants still at mid-thigh, probably leaving a wet snail trail.

When the assassin looked up, Krieg threw the towel in his face roguishly and chuckled.

"Cheeky," Zer0 mused but he took the towel and cleaned himself and the bed where he was sitting before stating, "I need to use your bathroom."

With an amused tilt of his head, Krieg watched the assassin shuffle off to the bathroom with his cute ass still on display and cackled with fanatical laughter in his wake. Oh hell, he felt great! So great, his tummy growled and to his surprise, he yawned. He was starving now and glanced over at the stew that was probably at an ideal temperature right about now.

Yes! He would serve up the stew and then they could go smash some heads and collect treasure.

"Itsperfectperfectperfect!"

A few minutes later, Zer0 returned with his attire restored to a respectable state. He flashed Krieg a smiley face. "What's so perfect?" he wondered. "I couldn't help but overhear."

"Food and slaughter…" Krieg answered and handed Zer0 a bowl of hot stew with a spoon in it.

Zer0 took the bowl and looked down at the meal in his hands. "Err… I hate to be / the one to remind you, but / the masks must come off," he enlightened. "That is, if we are to eat this. I don't think you thought about this all the way through, did you?"

By the wide look in Krieg's dark eye, it was evident that he DID NOT think this all the way through at all!

However, before panic could set in, Zer0 made a suggestion. "I have an idea / let's sit back-to-back and eat / right here on the floor."

Krieg watched Zer0 take a seat cross-legged right in the middle of his room on the wooden plank floor. Of course, leave it to the clever assassin to figure it out. _Stop being such a pussy!_ He could do this – _we can do this_. Krieg grabbed his bowl and sat down on the floor, too, crossing his legs sitting back-to-back with Zer0.

Behind him, Krieg could hear a soft mechanical whir as Zer0 released his helmet and set the thing gently on the floor beside him. Then, he felt and heard Zer0 pick up his bowl again and give it a cautionary sniff. Soon after, he heard the spoon tinkle along the ceramic bowl – a soft slurp – and then metal scraping gently over teeth.

Krieg did not realize he was holding his breath.

"Mmm… this is delish / earthy and full of good stuff / I am impressed, Krieg." Zer0 was sincere. "I might have seconds. / I am famished after all / the fun we just had."

He exhaled loudly. _That_ was all Krieg needed to hear before he flung off his psycho mask and dived into his meal.

Together, without looking at each other, they ate in perfect harmony. Krieg gobbled his food up and Zer0 savoured every bite.

Since they got this far, they did not seem to be in any rush to move from where they sat, mask-less, tummies full and high on afterglow. Now that there was certain freedom floating around the room, they soaked it up and relaxed.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I brought something for you," Zer0 said and dug into his ammunitions pocket. "I found this on a / midget I killed yesterday / could have potential."

Krieg was too busy listening to Zer0's tone of voice, which sounded deep, smooth, and less echoic with his helmet off. He didn't snap out of it until Zer0 nudged him in the ribs with his elbow.

"Here. Take it," the assassin said.

Oh? He looked down at his side to see Zer0 waggling his right hand behind him with a small device in his palm, but he saw something else he could not unsee. He caught a quick glimpse of short spiky dark hair in his peripheral.

Krieg froze for a sheer second and he bit his tongue, he would die right now if he ruined this moment!

He snatched the offering from Zer0's hand hastily and inspected it. It was a small bright pink device with a pair of stringy headphones attached to it. Old school stuff, he recognized it but was amazed to see one.

"You said you couldn't sleep very well and I've been thinking about that. I could not fathom a viable solution to your problem that does not involve harsh inelegant drugs until I found that – a more natural approach. It struck me, perhaps music will calm the beast," Zer0 offered. "I tested it out. It works fine. I hope you don't mind but I put fresh music on it… soothing stuff to help you sleep. I didn't think the noise those bandits were listening to meet the requirements."

For once, the raving side of him was truly speechless. He did not know what to say. The voice was in awe… _he truly wants to help us._ To show his gratitude, Krieg gave Zer0's head a gentle knock with the back of his head and grunted, happy to feel a skull instead of a helmet.

"You're welcome, my friend," the assassin claimed and versed, "Sleeping when you're dead / means getting to kill less stuff / how boring and dull."

Krieg had the perfect comeback. "A symphony of flames and lead salads!" he said.

Zer0 twittered. "Spoken like a true vault hunter. Say, why don't you go try out that music player, let me know if you like it – and I will clean up? You cooked, allow me to return the favour."

Krieg thought about it and nodded. He scooped up his mask and put it back into place. Zer0 did the same with his helmet.

They got up from the floor and Zer0 took Krieg's dish from him and went about cleaning up.

Krieg knew they were not going anywhere until the neat freak was finished, so he wandered over to his bed and sat down on the edge of it. He worked the earbuds into his ears and turned on the music player. Instantly, wondrous melodic sounds filled his brain – a piano and a lonely stringed instrument, and a sorrowful flute carried his mind to a beautiful place.

*********

It did not take long for Zer0 to clean up the dishes and wash out the pot. He had to use water from the bathroom sink and flush soiled water down the toilet. Sanctuary was generous but not _that_ generous… these accommodations were adequate at best, he thought. Zer0 was happy if he had a place to eat, sleep, and get back to work as soon as possible.

Speaking of work, he was eager to go kill something, new challenges await them. When he left the bathroom holding two bowls and an empty pot, he glanced over to see if Krieg was as roaring to go as much as he was and—

His psycho friend was fast asleep.

Somehow, in the short time he tidied up the room Krieg laid back on the bed and passed out, his legs dangling off the side. Zer0 noticed Krieg still clutching to the music player, his hand resting on top of his slow-breathing chest.

Well, that worked out a lot better than he imagined. He felt triumphant.

However, Zer0 sighed. Now he has to go hunt down the other vault hunters and see if they wanted to go bash some heads. Krieg and he would go on a killing spree another time. For now, it was apparent he got some much-needed rest.

Like a ghost, Zer0 collected his stuff and tiptoed towards the door. He smiled in thought and looked back at the sleeping giant.

"Life scarred by trauma / rediscover your self-worth / the path to healing," he said. "And that starts with decent sleep. Goodnight, my friend."

The door clicked softly behind him as Zer0 left the room.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the smut was fucking smutty! :3 And I hope you enjoyed the bits of fluff! I have some more ideas involving these two. There will be more to come after I rest my brain because this one fried me - in a good way lol!  
> Krieg and Zer0 thank you for reading!


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